Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”