Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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