Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
You Might Also Like
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
is it earth
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020