Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
You Might Also Like
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.