Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.