Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day