Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

#SuperBowl

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off