Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?