Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.