Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.