Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.