me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant


harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try

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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.


Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?

Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*


interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies


You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.


“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”


Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah


[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]


No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.


Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care


Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”