@tweetsbyrocket

me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant

[later]

harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try

You Might Also Like

@sofarrsogud

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

@shwebby3

Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?

Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*

@TweetsByKaylee

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

@WGladstone

“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”

@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@trentistweeting

[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]

@Mom_Overboard

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”