FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Lmao
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah