Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote
voldemort: this is brilliant
harry potter: expelliarmus!
voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead