Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Beards are a privilege, not a right

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.