Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.