Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

There are usually two types of merchants.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

i think both sides are to blame here

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

…

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

What in the hell is “disposable income”?