me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐