me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.