me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
damn he’s good
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.