me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Weirdos gonna weird.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The options really are this bad
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
