me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
