me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.