Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
mom gave me mine for free
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Tastes like chicken.
