Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler