Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Dolls on drugs
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis