Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

January has been Januweary

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.