Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?