Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

About to form my very first opinion

You had me at “define legal”.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.