Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.