Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.