Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

this is uni

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.