Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.