Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Wait a second…

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person