Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRAIN’S HERE

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense