Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.