ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
tfw you realize …
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on