Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.