ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
no one likes gloating
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.