ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost