Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him