Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
😜
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant