Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.