Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.