ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.