ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Breaking news:
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries