Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.