Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.