Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

I need to sieze this.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Oh hi lol

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.