Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

Dear Lord..

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

is nasa ok

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.