Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash