Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
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I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
my proudest tweet
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”