Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The news is so predictable nowadays
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.