me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶