Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.