Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

These are my roll models.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

How do you milk an almond?

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

That de-escalated quickly

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.