me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
…żyje?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*