me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage![]()
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”