Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

I already tried new things thanks.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

💻🤡

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.