Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Bloody internet 😳

Well, this is awkward

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time