Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My Guy
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.