Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
dutch is not a serious language
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
12. I think about this all the damn time
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself