Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
You Might Also Like
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Many hands make light work
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.