Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Ken is short for chicken

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.