Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING