Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.