Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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I’m going to need a moment here.
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
(Musicians.)
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
when mom throws a party…
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*