Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

me hooking up with my ex

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW