Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

peak technology

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.