If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
You Might Also Like
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.