Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
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Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t